When Back to School Hurts

I want to help you, make it easier, lift you up, heal the hurt, calm the anxieties, and see the positive. I know I can’t, and I am helpless. That feeling causes me great unease, I try to fix it or view it through my lens, but this isn’t about me, I can’t make it mine. Even as I write these words I imagine the impact they would have on you if you read them. Would you feel like you were causing more stress to our family, would you feel some of the burden, would it be one more thing that chips away at your self-worth, confidence, and esteem? 

I ask to take first day of school pictures, I make you smile, and later look at the picture. You are so handsome, you are growing so big, fourth grade now-wow, but I made you smile and it feels wrong, off-kilter. You were overwhelmed just by the mere thought of going, there was dread in your heart, and probably a battle of emotions going on inside that I don’t know. I tried to give you a pep talk, tried to help you make a list of positives, and you just shut down. I just got frustrated because I was never the ‘bad’ kid, I was never the kid with ‘too much energy’, I was never the kid who on one level knew you weren’t supposed to walk around, talk, say crazy things randomly, but sometimes just couldn’t help it. Instead, I fear my talk left you feeling more isolated, more alone, and like I could never understand your world. The thing is I try, and sometimes I think I understand better, but I am not sure I will ever understand completely. It breaks my heart when you hear back to school the things that immediately go through your head are: I am going to be the worst kid in my class again, I am going to get in trouble everyday, even when I try to behave I get in trouble so I should just stop trying, what’s the point, no one notices when I am even a little bit better, some kids don’t want anything to do with me because I am too crazy, I talk too much, I am too different, they separate me from my friends because we are too loud when we are together, and they want me to have friends, so why do they put my friends in another class?

I know all too well this is true. I know soon I will start getting phone calls, emails, meetings will start, plans will be put into place, tricks, tactics, rewards, and the whole gamut will be deployed to help you make it through the year. In the end you will hate school a little more, you will feel a little more like people are just putting up with you, trying to handle you until they don’t have to, and even when they see the positive, the great, the wonderful kindness you possess, and they do tell you- you won’t hear it. You will be too used to hearing all the negative that it won’t balance out. It isn’t just at school because I am guilty of it here. I hope you see through it, I hope you can see past it, I hope in time you can learn to value the perks of your over-active brain. You are so brilliant, your reading level and mastery of language is above and beyond, you are so imaginative, you are not afraid to ask questions, you do not back down, you are excellent with your younger siblings, you are generous, you are funny, you are quick-witted, and you are brave because everyday you walk into school knowing that it will be hard, it will be like putting a square in a circle, and you do it, and that my dear is called courage.

Since it is the beginning of a new school year I want to share my failings because I am not perfect, I mess up, I get frustrated, overwhelmed, lost, confused, stressed, angry, and feel incapable of being your mother, but none of this is because you are a ‘bad’ kid. You are not a’bad’ kid. You are the most amazing kid. I won’t lie, it is hard, it can be tough, but nothing in life is always easy, sometimes you have to fight for the best things in life, and I promise to be there with you, I promise to be on your side.