Being A Parent Can Be Rough

Have I mentioned that sometimes as a parent I feel totally unprepared to face the daily challenges put in front of me? After 5 kids I still get overwhelmed by the daily things like: baby not sleeping through the night, baby in my bed, teething baby, toddler throwing a fit, toddler learning to assert independence, pre-schooler whining, pre-schooler thinking he is same age as older siblings, school aged children doing homework, getting ready for school, brushing teeth or not brushing teeth or brushing teeth where almost half a tube of toothpaste ends up on the mirror???, and peeing on the toilet rather than in the toilet or anywhere really except where the pee is supposed to go. Yes, these things still frazzle me, and I go back and forth between taking them in stride and losing my mind, but there is one thing I constantly battle with that just weighs me down because I don't know how to deal and it concerns my dear 3rd grader.

Some weeks are good, some days are good, and some are not. Some are trying. Some are hard. Last week was rough. I got a call from his PE teacher who had reached that point all his teachers reach-- she was done with him, she didn't know what to do with him, she wanted me to know she just didn't know how to reach out to him and make him calm down, focus, listen, pay attention, and whatever else it is he does during the school day. Next came a note in his planner from his main classroom teacher saying it had been a hard day. She doesn't always write these notes, so I know it must have been rough on her. She tries very hard, she loves teaching and children, she so wants him to succeed, and she tries so many different ways to help. Finally, I received a phone call from his reading teacher who expressed similar concerns as the PE teacher, but didn't seem quite as overwhelmed. He is an excellent reader, way above grade level, and he loves to read, so this probably helps her out because she can see past the jokes, the silliness, and the talking.

It used to be I would say - Why is it just so hard for you to listen to what the teachers say? Can't you see that you are being disruptive, disrespectful to the teacher, to the students, and that you aren't able to be the best learner you can be when you act this way? I would say- It isn't hard for your brother, he can do it. I learned these were not the best things to say, and he did know what he was doing wasn't what the other kids in class were doing, but it didn't change things. Plus, he isn't his brother and he shouldn't be asked to be. Sometimes I would yell at him-Not again!! Why? I mean can't you just try harder? Didn't we talk about this? Haven't we discussed this at length? Of course, to him I may as well be asking him to climb a mountain and then yelling at him when he can't do it.

Long-term goals give him anxiety because he knows how hard and how much energy it takes to be good and follow the rules (or most of them) so being offered a reward for being good 30 times in a row just shuts him down. He thinks-If I can't even be good one whole day how can I do it 30 times? What if I try my best, but after 5 days I just can't do it again? What if I mess up and then get back on track? Does it matter? No, because you said it had to be 30 days in a row and mine was 5 days in a row, then 3 bad days, but then 5 more good days. I will never make it. It is at this point he decides screw it if I can't make it 30 days I will go ahead and make silly loud noises right now. It is hard, and part of him so wants to make people happy, but he just can't control himself.

We have tried many things and many things work for a brief amount of time, but then they don't. Right now his school has set up this whole support network for him, and there is special language we are all supposed to be using, we are trying to help him learn more self-awareness, mechanisms to control himself, teach him how to realize when he is about to get out of control, and have him ask for a break to read in order to calm down (right now he has unscheduled reading breaks that the teacher doles out), and so when there are a lot of people willing to help and I still get contacted by three teachers in one week- it makes me realize perhaps I wasn't really cut out to be a parent. At this point, I don't know what to say or do. When the teachers call I just say - Yeah Yeah. Ok. I know. They want more from me I can tell. They want tips, guidance, how do you fix this at home, what are the secret strategies, but the truth is that at home he is the same way. We try this or that, certain times certain things work and other times they don't. Sometimes we just tell him he has to get away from us and everyone for awhile, so he reads or he kicks a ball against the house, but there is no magic wisdom I can impart. I guess that is what makes me feel so bad. I am not able to fix it, I don't know how to reach him, and I can't make it better for him or anyone trying to deal with him.

Sometimes on tests he doesn't always read the directions, he doesn't always answer all the parts in a multi-part question, he never shows his work, and he doesn't check his answers because the goal is to be done as quickly as possible. Last week he brought home his math test, and it wasn't pretty. His teacher had written a note saying he finished first then drew on the back and wouldn't follow her suggestion of going over the test again while the other students were finishing. I asked him about his math test, asked what was going on, asked if there was anything he wanted to tell me, and he said-Yeah, did you see the monster I drew on the back? It is really cool. I have been practicing drawing monsters, and I am getting a lot better. Did you see it? I felt like that sort of summed up our whole week.

I don't want him to be someone he's not, I don't want him to see how frustrated I am and think I don't love him, I don't want to give up on him, and I don't want him to give up on himself. Raising a child with a lot of energy, as I call it, is hard. It wears you out, sometimes it makes you feel like a failure, it takes away attention from the other kids, and it means letting go of any notion that he would be 'well-behaved' if I were a better parent. Though I wish I were a better parent.