I have this hammer, now what?

This morning I felt like the walls were caving in. I felt all the emotions just flood me all at once. Our washing machine is broken, it has been broken for over a week now, and as a family of 7 this is no small thing. Currently it looks as though our house is sick and throwing up clothes. Everywhere you go, look, or walk- clothes. Some kind of dirty, some just plain filthy, and some kind of damp and ew, and sure maybe putting those in the dryer would be a good idea, because the dryer still works, but they are also dirty so I feel like why? The house has become progressively dirtier in all areas because of this. The laundry hampers filled up days ago so the clothes are living in piles in every single room, and what is the point of straightening up rooms when they will still be dirty because there are dirty nasty clothes all over the place? 

The pieces are easy enough to replace so we ordered them online and didn’t spend the extra $10 dollars or so for fast shipping because we don’t have an extra $10 for fast shipping, and they weren’t Amazon Prime eligible unless I wanted to put that $10 toward the base price, and I didn’t, so I didn’t. Then the pieces came and one piece I put in but the screws are stripped and I couldn’t make them tight enough. Fine, let’s move on to the other piece which would be even easier to replace, but I couldn’t even get the second screw out. I wanted to cry, to sob, to runaway and never come back because of laundry. Not having anymore clean underwear really does get to you. I used a rubber band over the screwdriver, I put a dab of superglue in it, I tried all of our screwdrivers, and in the end I just stripped them more. Seeing the pieces just sitting there and knowing if I could just get those screws out then I could wash clothes was heartbreaking. I could stop tripping on clothes, and I might have a clean dish towel. I got out the drill and nothing. So I grabbed the pliers and bent and broke the piece giving me trouble, the screw was still there but now I could get the pliers wedged underneath and just turn until it came out- and it did. Now, I still need to buy new screws because those aren’t going back in, but I won. In spite of all the hurdles, in spite of the anger, the overwhelming sensation of no control( as mirrored by the state of my house), and in spite of no clear vision on how to proceed, I did it.

My kid pooped in the tub, I spilled a full beer all over the floor when trying to straighten up a little bit, another kid basically told me I was ruining his life because I pointed out that his pants were too small, were actually his little brother’s, and he should put on his own pants, I haven’t had my car for 3 days(my husband has been using it) so I couldn’t get to the store to buy new screws or ask handymen what to do, Google’s ideas failed me, I have had 3+ kids sick at the same time( probably because germ clothes are just everywhere), and I felt like I was drowning.

 I wanted to have control of something-anything.  Now I could just stop. Leave it there. But the last few months I have been struggling, an unsettling feeling swelling inside, a shift in my normal self, and I don’t know what it is exactly or what it means, but I feel it must mean something. I wonder if my outside is currently mirroring my inside. I have a lot happening inside and it is tearing me up and just like with my washing machine, I can’t seem to fix it, find the right parts, I don’t see how it will get fixed, and it seems if I just had the right tool it would be so easy to fix, I just need an adjustment maybe to move an inch higher or something but instead of something that would fix that, I have been given a hammer. That is it, just a hammer, no instructions, no clues, no tips, just a hammer. Now I have been holding this hammer, I have sort of swung it in the air for practice, but it doesn’t feel right, and I just want someone else to come in and make it better, but I suppose I am in need of seeing I can do it on my own, there must be some personal growth lesson hiding in there, and one day I hope to see it, but now I feel so lost and like I know this change is happening or about to, but it hasn’t yet and it just frustrates me, and is not great for my anxiety. Some of it has to do with faith, some a sense of purpose and direction, and some of it is the desire to financially help my family, and at the root of it I am beginning to feel that they are all three connected but I don’t see how, I can’t see it, and I just have this stupid hammer. Anyone who has ever seen me angry knows I shouldn't hold a hammer when I am angry- it wouldn’t turn out well for the walls and dishes.

So in the meantime I will go to Ace and buy some screws, I will put my washing machine back together tonight, I will do the laundry, and maybe during the mind-numbingness that is folding clothes I will have some epiphany. I should probably pull out my rosary too because the last few mornings I keep seeing different statues of Momma Mary while going on walks, and perhaps she is trying to get my attention.