To baby or not to baby?

Is it just me or does it feel liked I am being inundated by women having 4 kids? Mya Rudolph, Tori Spelling, Victoria Beckham, Heidi Klum, and then there dads Mark Walhberg and Matt Damon. It seems like many friends are expecting child #4. Is this a fad? Is this the new normal? I thought the trend was fewer kids, if so I don't think everyone has gotten the memo, or did I not get the memo about having more kids?

When Pete and I got married we received this book that allowed us to tell the story of 'Us as a Couple'. We filled it out on our honeymoon and of course predicting the future was one section and under kids there is a discrepancy, I said 4 and Pete said 3. Now we are at that critical juncture of 3 kids and maybe one day 4 kids. We aren't really sure which direction to go. We have time, luckily, we are young enough and healthy enough that this does not have to be solved tomorrow, but over the last few months it has started entering my thoughts almost daily. Three kids is still a lot of kids and just because you can have four does not diminish the effort and work that is three kids, however there is a part of me that feels like having 4 kids really earns you your motherhood stripes and as a stay-at-home I really want my motherhood stripes. Seeing three kids with a mom is not unheard of, but seeing a mom with 4 kids makes you go-wow that is a lot of kids. Pete says three kids is pretty crazy and four would be insane and is it fair to the kids? Kids need attention, they need stuff, basically they just need. If you want each of your kids to feel loved, cherished, protected, unique, and special, can you do it well with 4 kids? There are times now when we end the day knowing that we ignored one kid or the other because there was more of a demand elsewhere. I know that poor Jack often gets the brunt of it since he is older, I catch myself saying, "Jack not now can't you see I am busy with your brothers." or "You are old enough to do that yourself, don't you see I am busy?" I realize it later and tell myself I am helping to make him more independent and an expert problem solver, but really I am just saying I don't have time for you and if I add one more kid to the mix then it will just get worse. Pretty soon Jack won't be asking me to do this or that with him or to watch him do crazy moves because he will have outgrown it, and I don't want to have missed it. Plus, when our kids are teenagers we need to be there for each one to help guide them on the tumultuous path between childhood and adulthood and it starts with a strong foundation and relationship that you build when they are young. So far I think we have done a pretty good job, but what if it gets to be too much? Of course, there is the money aspect. We aren't rolling in the dough now and basically we never will be, and while we know first hand you don't need loads of money to raise happy healthy kids, there is still that stress on Pete to provide.

There are also selfish reasons not have 4 kids. I have been lucky enough to bounce back into good shape after each kid, but I am in my 30s now and it does get harder. What if I have one more and I can't get my body back to what I am used to? Plus, I'd like to buy a few really good pair of jeans and not worry about if they will only be worn for a couple months before I get pregnant and then maybe never worn again based on how my body bounces back. Also, now when my kids wake up in the middle of the night I am really dragging the next day, more than even a year ago, do I really want to intentionally put myself through less sleep? I really like sleep. I'd like to go on dates with my husband without worrying about how a sitter is going to manage watching four kids. Finding housing in the future and picking where to live is influenced by all these kids. Pete could get a job in NYC and housing there is already insane, add 4 kids to the mix and is it even an option? Though, I don't really want to move to NYC so maybe 4 kids is a positive for me in that regard. Oh, and diapers- man I am so done with diapers.

Then there are selfish reasons to have that 4th kid. I am not ready to give up on being a woman who can give birth. When I see a baby or a pregnant woman I can look over and smile knowing, if I wish, that can be me or not, the choice is mine. I don't want to give that up yet. As my kids get older and need me less, there is a part of me that wants to be needed and having a baby gives me that one more child who will give me kisses, tell me they love me, hold my hand, and ask me to just cuddle with them. Having kids can make you feel old, but it keeps you young-just watch my husband play with his kids and you will totally understand. As a stay-at-home mom having little kids is sort of what keeps me 'employed'- if all my kids go off to school then I will have to find a job and I have no idea what I would do. I need more kids to keep me gainfully employed.

Pete had basically solved the problem for us by laying down the law-no more kids, but then he made the mistake of telling some friends that it was more the woman's decision than the man's. Now I just don't know. If you were to ask me out right my answer would be that I want one more baby. Then I begin to think about it and I go back and forth. That is a lot of extra work, time, effort, stress, chauffeuring, buckling of seat belts, changing of diapers, and kids fighting. Of course, it is more love, laughter, stories to tell, adventures to go on, playing, catching the brothers truly enjoying one another, and the possibility of lots of grandkids. Hopefully, if I have enough, one of them is bound to take me in if I get too old and senile. I want Pete on board too, you don't want to just bombard your spouse with new babies, and at first I didn't think it would happen, but today we were walking and he saw a woman carrying a small baby in a Baby Bjorn and he looked over and smiled and said, "Look a baby." Hmm.. was that an invitation?