Being A Parent Can Be Rough

Have I mentioned that sometimes as a parent I feel totally unprepared to face the daily challenges put in front of me? After 5 kids I still get overwhelmed by the daily things like: baby not sleeping through the night, baby in my bed, teething baby, toddler throwing a fit, toddler learning to assert independence, pre-schooler whining, pre-schooler thinking he is same age as older siblings, school aged children doing homework, getting ready for school, brushing teeth or not brushing teeth or brushing teeth where almost half a tube of toothpaste ends up on the mirror???, and peeing on the toilet rather than in the toilet or anywhere really except where the pee is supposed to go. Yes, these things still frazzle me, and I go back and forth between taking them in stride and losing my mind, but there is one thing I constantly battle with that just weighs me down because I don't know how to deal and it concerns my dear 3rd grader.

Some weeks are good, some days are good, and some are not. Some are trying. Some are hard. Last week was rough. I got a call from his PE teacher who had reached that point all his teachers reach-- she was done with him, she didn't know what to do with him, she wanted me to know she just didn't know how to reach out to him and make him calm down, focus, listen, pay attention, and whatever else it is he does during the school day. Next came a note in his planner from his main classroom teacher saying it had been a hard day. She doesn't always write these notes, so I know it must have been rough on her. She tries very hard, she loves teaching and children, she so wants him to succeed, and she tries so many different ways to help. Finally, I received a phone call from his reading teacher who expressed similar concerns as the PE teacher, but didn't seem quite as overwhelmed. He is an excellent reader, way above grade level, and he loves to read, so this probably helps her out because she can see past the jokes, the silliness, and the talking.

It used to be I would say - Why is it just so hard for you to listen to what the teachers say? Can't you see that you are being disruptive, disrespectful to the teacher, to the students, and that you aren't able to be the best learner you can be when you act this way? I would say- It isn't hard for your brother, he can do it. I learned these were not the best things to say, and he did know what he was doing wasn't what the other kids in class were doing, but it didn't change things. Plus, he isn't his brother and he shouldn't be asked to be. Sometimes I would yell at him-Not again!! Why? I mean can't you just try harder? Didn't we talk about this? Haven't we discussed this at length? Of course, to him I may as well be asking him to climb a mountain and then yelling at him when he can't do it.

Long-term goals give him anxiety because he knows how hard and how much energy it takes to be good and follow the rules (or most of them) so being offered a reward for being good 30 times in a row just shuts him down. He thinks-If I can't even be good one whole day how can I do it 30 times? What if I try my best, but after 5 days I just can't do it again? What if I mess up and then get back on track? Does it matter? No, because you said it had to be 30 days in a row and mine was 5 days in a row, then 3 bad days, but then 5 more good days. I will never make it. It is at this point he decides screw it if I can't make it 30 days I will go ahead and make silly loud noises right now. It is hard, and part of him so wants to make people happy, but he just can't control himself.

We have tried many things and many things work for a brief amount of time, but then they don't. Right now his school has set up this whole support network for him, and there is special language we are all supposed to be using, we are trying to help him learn more self-awareness, mechanisms to control himself, teach him how to realize when he is about to get out of control, and have him ask for a break to read in order to calm down (right now he has unscheduled reading breaks that the teacher doles out), and so when there are a lot of people willing to help and I still get contacted by three teachers in one week- it makes me realize perhaps I wasn't really cut out to be a parent. At this point, I don't know what to say or do. When the teachers call I just say - Yeah Yeah. Ok. I know. They want more from me I can tell. They want tips, guidance, how do you fix this at home, what are the secret strategies, but the truth is that at home he is the same way. We try this or that, certain times certain things work and other times they don't. Sometimes we just tell him he has to get away from us and everyone for awhile, so he reads or he kicks a ball against the house, but there is no magic wisdom I can impart. I guess that is what makes me feel so bad. I am not able to fix it, I don't know how to reach him, and I can't make it better for him or anyone trying to deal with him.

Sometimes on tests he doesn't always read the directions, he doesn't always answer all the parts in a multi-part question, he never shows his work, and he doesn't check his answers because the goal is to be done as quickly as possible. Last week he brought home his math test, and it wasn't pretty. His teacher had written a note saying he finished first then drew on the back and wouldn't follow her suggestion of going over the test again while the other students were finishing. I asked him about his math test, asked what was going on, asked if there was anything he wanted to tell me, and he said-Yeah, did you see the monster I drew on the back? It is really cool. I have been practicing drawing monsters, and I am getting a lot better. Did you see it? I felt like that sort of summed up our whole week.

I don't want him to be someone he's not, I don't want him to see how frustrated I am and think I don't love him, I don't want to give up on him, and I don't want him to give up on himself. Raising a child with a lot of energy, as I call it, is hard. It wears you out, sometimes it makes you feel like a failure, it takes away attention from the other kids, and it means letting go of any notion that he would be 'well-behaved' if I were a better parent. Though I wish I were a better parent.

Goodbye Sweet Friend

It's early in the morning, I am sipping coffee and wrapped in a warm blanket. One thing is missing, one constant by my side is not this morning. Instead, he is another room unable to get up, unable to eat, and at the end of his life. Our poor sweet puppa- Tigran. All pets die and they die before us and that is what we know going into the relationship. One question you have to ask yourself is: Are you willing to love something with all your heart only to lose it? I guess that is the question you must always ask yourself before you love at all. Is it worth it? 

 I naively went into dog ownership, but Pete and I were engaged and my in-laws just bred their dog, so why not?  He is a beautiful dog, and as a puppy he was just so cute. Puppies are hard and there was a moment when Pete thought we should give him back, but like so many times in our marriage, when one of us can't do it or just can't manage the other seems to step in and hold the other up, and so I stepped up and said we could get through the trials of potty-training, dog-training, and furniture that was chewed through, and so we did.

I look back on the early years with Tigran and they are so fun: dog parks, walks, throwing balls, swimming in the pond, and then there is that side of dogs that know when they are needed to support you. Always right there when we were sick, when we were tired, when we just wanted to relax, when we lost Owen, and when the fights between husband or wife were more emotional than just irritating; Tigran was always right there.

When I was pregnant he always knew and he would become a guardian and would stay by my side, especially at night. With every new child brought into our house Tigran was there. He let those kids pull on him, crawl on him, take stuff away from him, and he never once did anything other than get up and move away. Once we had more than one or two kids having a dog seemed too much for me, and this time it was Pete's turn to step up and let me know we could do it. Maybe, I haven't been as available to my sweet dog over these last few years, but I guess this is because I took for granted he would always be there when I needed him, and he was.

Time has passed since I last wrote this. Now Tigran is gone. He is buried in Kentucky on the ancestral golden retriever hill, as Pete says. The kids have all responded differently. Jack is upset and has cried. Luke got a little teary eyed once but then seemed to move away from it. Thomas says he misses Tigran and thinks we should get a new dog right now. I miss him when there is food all around Robert's highchair. I am amazed at how much more I have to clean up.  Last night I caught myself putting a pan on the ground for Tigran to finish off. I also miss him at night or when I am alone in the house and I miss him when I sit down on the couch and he doesn't sit next to me. He was a wonderful dog. I know Pete misses him more than any of us, and it has been the hardest on him for sure.

Goodbye my sweet friend.

From Our Family to Yours

Wow, hey it has been awhile. I thought I was going to be on this kick where I tried really hard to write more often, and I did, like twice, but then nothing. Sorry. Sometimes I feel like I have everything and nothing to write about all at the same time, and that makes it hard to siphon off what I want to say. I am not sure that I have it figured out now even so you might have to just bear with the ramblings of a crazy stay-at-home mom.

Plus, there is now the expectation of some type of Christmas card letter thrown in here too-AGGGHHH!!!!! Ok, I think I can I think can…

This time last year we were hoping and praying and begging on our hands and knees for a post-doc position for Pete, and that did not happen. We were left wounded in our faith and wondering just where we would end up because it could have been literally anywhere. Pete applied to jobs way out west, way up north, way down south, and out to the east. We ended up just a couple hours from Purdue in the suburbs of Chicago. Do you like it? This is obviously the question we get asked the most. Pete is definitely feeling at home here. He feels like he can relate to the energy and personality of Chicagoans. I like it- I do. I haven’t met anyone who wasn’t nice or helpful or kind. I had high hopes of one day getting closer to KY, not further away, so I am adjusting, but it hasn’t been a hard or depressing move, so that is great news all around. 

How are the kids doing? Second most asked question. They are doing well. I think. I hope. Knock on wood. Jack has always been Jack. He is a bit much and he continues to be. It has always been hard for him to make friends and this is still true. He plays with kids at recess, we have him involved in Tae Kwon Do and Boy Scouts, and so as much as we can help him find friends we have. My kids have never been huge let’s have people at our house kids, I think this is because there are so many of them that adding extra people is just too much. *Maybe it is too much for me. He has had some issues with discipline at school, but this school is nothing like I have experienced before. They have a social worker, an occupational therapist, a psychologist, differentiated learning specialists, speech therapists, and I feel like the list could go on. They have two recesses and PE every day. There is a standing desk in his classroom he can use, there are ball seats for kids who need those, there is so much ability and willingness to pull a kid out to help them- I can’t believe it. So Jack is getting help from a large support team who are willing to help him learn how to take care of himself and hopefully postpone any need to medicate him, plus give him tools he can use now and later in life.

Luke is in Kindergarten! He is being being pulled out as well for different things like— how to hold a pencil correctly?? (I guess there are studies connecting correctly holding a pencil  to better reading), speech, and extra help with letters. He likes school and the kids. He is different from Jack in that he really wants to hang out with friends more often. I need to work on that. I haven’t been the best at making that happen. He doesn’t have much to share at the end of the day. He says he forgets. He gets frustrated when I try to push beyond that. I try to make him tell me at least 3 things that happened- sometimes it is as simple as telling me he ate all his lunch because most of the time he can’t finish it all! He hasn’t been signed up for any extra stuff yet, but in January he will start with basketball. I am interested to see how that goes. At the moment he is looking forward to it.

Thomas decided he would go to pre-school or bust this year. So pre-school it was. His birthday is just a few days shy of the cut off here in IL, so he will be 2 years behind Luke in school instead of 1. (They are 17 months apart). We have talked about petitioning to have him go earlier because if ever a kid was ready our Thomas is, but I don’t think we will. There is no harm in waiting, and he can just do pre-school again with the same teacher that he loves so much and already knows. He has made a couple friends and just beams every time he walks out of the school. He is in heaven.

This leaves Meg and Robert. I guess this time last year Robert wasn’t born. It seems like he has been part of the family for so long now. Meg is starting to talk now, she definitely communicates her wants, needs, and dislikes. She is testing boundaries and can do everything herself. She loves cats, Daniel Tiger, and boots. She hates skirts and dresses and being told no. Robert is pulling up, cruising around, and is so close to standing without holding on to anything. Meg loves Robert and already you can tell they are gonna best best friends (maybe worst enemies too). For anyone keeping track they are 13 months apart.

We added a cat to our family. I don’t mind Quantum near as much as I thought I would. If we had to get a cat, and I guess we did according to everyone else, this was the right cat for us. Tigran, our golden, turned 11 and suddenly got much older. He hurt himself in KY over Thanksgiving and didn’t really recover- he got much worse actually. It has been very depressing to watch. He stays on the floor in our bedroom almost all day, he can’t climb up stairs or get onto the couch without either help or a lot of effort (so much so that he normally doesn’t try), he stopped eating for awhile, not even to steal food from the table!!, so we took him to the vet. He is on pain meds right now but they want to do an X-Ray at the beginning of the year. He was born at my in-laws house to their dog so we’ve had him for his whole life, and I hope he has a few good years left.

These are the basics of our year. There have been highs and lows. So it goes with life. We get by and manage, sometimes barely, but we do. We also laugh, tell stories, and love each other a lot, so I’d say overall we are doing well. I never have expectations about the New Year, I don’t do resolutions, and in keeping with that tradition I will just say- I hope 2016 goes well. I hope we are given all the tools and resources we need to manage and survive any difficulties or sorrows that come our way, and I hope we aren’t too busy focusing on the negative to miss out on all the positive.

This super cute sleeping baby is definitely a positive.

A plethora of adventure

I woke up today with a cat licking my face. I threw that cat at my husband and told him, probably pretty grumpily, to remove the cat. Shortly after I woke up again because a small baby began to crawl on me, hit me, and make lots of noise. I should have known then that this would be an eventful morning. One thing I noticed was the lack of other children. Usually, Meg just sort of appears in my room because once she starts crying the brothers get her out of bed, but today Meg is still in her bed crying but no brothers. I go up to get Meg, and peek in the boys’ room where they are all asleep. What?!!! This is like an early Christmas miracle. 

Jack is the first to come downstairs and he is complaining of these symptoms:

-headache

-sore eyes

-muscle weakness and aches

-he has a slight fever as well

Luke is next and he says

-headache

-slight fever

Nice. Great.Fabulous. We normally get flu shots, and we were still planning on getting flu shots, but we just hadn’t done it yet. Things have been busy.  Now they are sick and it sounds like the flu to me. Only Robert has had a flu shot. I don’t think this is a good thing.

On the bright side I received the new Adele cd last night, and it has been playing as the background to our day. Meg, Thomas, and I made cookies. They didn’t turn out too well, way flat. This may be because I left the butter out all night or just because my baking is totally hit or miss. Whatever. There were chocolate chips involved so everyone is happy.

At some point there was a yell of Yuck! Gross! Thomas was staring at the rug under our table. Turns out that our lovely mouser had once again been successful in his nightly hunts, but this time instead of a mouse there were mouse bits. I won’t go into more detail, but Yuck! and Gross! were apt exclamations.

Toilet time was next on the list of events. Thomas had some issues with the upstairs toilet not flushing properly and the water coming to the brim, so I spent time with the plunger. My life is so glamorous ya’ll. In the downstairs bathroom I was met with Robert in the middle of dog food and shredded up toilet paper. Nice. Sure. Whatever- I always bring my dog food with me when I am about to rip up some toilet paper.

Time for a diversion so let’s watch Rudolph. I put on my Bumble jammies to help set the tone and for a bit it works, besides the normal bickering about blankets, where to sit, and Meg always wanting to sit one everyone or stand directly in front of the tv. I never realized how short that movie is compared to well-movies. It was over too soon. Inner dilemma going on here— do I let them watch another movie or try to let them play together before I demand naps. I went with play together, which was stupid. The game was fight with each other. The other game was sneak the iPad and then tattle on each other about it and steal turns. So fun.

Somewhere in here I thought, oh this is a good time to pray my rosary. Not sure what my logic was,  perhaps it was something like - I can nurse Robert to sleep while I am doing it. Robert is teething, cranky, and at this point overly tired so he won’t just nurse. He is crying, bobbing his head all over the place, chewing on wires, falling backwards on the bed, and crying some more. Also, this is when all the iPad tattling began to happen. Do I keep praying or stop and maybe not get back to it? I decided to keep going-not sure I got a whole lot out of it.

Robert finally falls asleep, and I go check on Meg. She is playing with the Advent candles and wants juice. Ok. I pour her juice, but not out of the bottle since there was a glass in the fridge from last night that someone made but didn’t drink. She doesn’t know this and thinks I have pulled some sort of mean prank on her or something because she begins to scream and cry, and throw things. Oh yes, she is my daughter. She won’t even try the juice. This tantrum lasts about 5 minutes. Finally, she drinks the juice and is happy.

 Wow. Now I have a headache. It is time to force naps on everyone. The boys don’t really complain because they are tired and sick. Meg is trapped in her crib so yay. I come into the bedroom, and lo Robert decides that even though it has only been like 15 minutes he is going to wake up and crawl on me and cry and bop all around. He is bopping a lot— what is going on with this? Anyway, this means I have a small child kicking me as I write this. He is not asleep. He wants to chew on the zipper of my pajamas. It is only noon people. Noon. I still have the whole afternoon.

Brush your teeth son

Mornings are a crazy time for every family. There are so many parts that must be put together so that everyone can get where they need to be. Some mornings it seems people wake up screaming, crying, yelling, rushing, and returning to the house more than once in an effort to start the day. 

My oldest son operates on his own time. I tell him he needs to brush his teeth and this results in eye rolling or being told that he brushed his teeth last night, so why does he really need to brush them again? When I remind him that the last time he went to the dentist he had 6 cavities because of this mentality and he says, “But I don’t have 6 cavities anymore.” Yes, because I spent a couple hundred dollars having them filled, so forgive me if I won’t let you skip out on brushing them this morning. He walks into the bathroom and closes the door, which worries me after the conversation we just had. I go and check on him - turns out he has just been staring at himself in the mirror. Again, I remind him to brush those teeth. About a minute later he walks out, which is too soon to be done brushing teeth, and I never heard the water turn on. Hmm… I ask him if he brushed his teeth and he looks at me and says, “Oh no, I forgot.” I mean WHAT?! REALLY?! How do you just forget that? We had this whole pre-toothbrushing conversation that involved him getting annoyed with me, there was that whole hey open the door and brush your teeth episode that literally just happened, and you forgot. He gets so irritated with my constantly reminding him to do everything, but obviously I need to. 

He likes to use the whole ‘but I did that yesterday’ excuse when it comes to getting ready in the mornings and not just with his teeth. He isn’t sure why he needs to change his clothes everyday. I admit that I am not a strong advocate of daily baths, so there are more than a few nights when he goes to bed with his clothes on( all that he ever wears are athletic pants and a t-shirt) and then wakes up thinking he is already dressed for the day. When I tell him he can’t wear that outfit to school again he just doesn’t understand why. He looks down and says, “There are no stains on it.” True, but you wore it yesterday. “What are you telling me, I have to change my clothes EVERY day?” Yes, that is exactly what I am telling you. 

These are basic things I am trying to teach my son before he leaves my house- you need to brush your teeth and change your clothes everyday. I won’t even get started on the fact that sometimes he won’t change socks until I lose it. I am not sure I will be successful, so to my future daughter-in- law, I am sorry. I did try.

Pokemon Conversations

My 8-year-old son is into Pokemon. He has the cards, watches the show, has stuffed animals, and through osmosis I have a general idea of what this world is all about. I must say I have never understood the appeal of Japanese animation, even as child when these cartoons would come on tv I was baffled by the large Bambi eyes, the sweat drops which appeared on the forehead, the way the facial expressions were over-exaggerated, and I would quickly change the channel. I am now paying for this as a mother, now Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh!, Dragon Ball-Z, and Digimon are almost always on multiple times a week. My son likes to draw the characters, read the guide books, and form battles in his head. It should be noted that my son is a talker and will talk and talk and talk even if you just walk away from him, he will continue to talk. So one day I am just minding my business in the kitchen when he comes in talking about Basic Pokemon like Gyarados, Bulbasaur, and Weedle, and I know this is important to him and a big part of his world so I look at him and listen, I nod my head while he is telling me about their energy types which in my head become Earth, Wind, and Fire. This leads me to start thinking about Earth, Wind, and Fire songs, and do I actually know any, are they good, maybe I should go and listen to one after this conversation is over. Oh crap, I am supposed to be listening to the conversation, I should ask a question so it seems like I am paying attention. So who do these guys evolve into? He needs to know I am interested in what he is interested in, plus I used a word from the lexicon- I am so awesome. Now he is talking about Venusaur and points and battles against Butterfree.I feel like this conversation has lasted long enough now because I don’t know if I can pretend to be this interested in Pokemon anymore. What if this means he thinks I want to play the game or watch the shows? Oh no, I don’t think I can keep this up. I am not that good of a liar. Hmm, how do I get out this without seeming like a totally horrible mother? What is he talking about now? He is talking about the top ten best basic Pokemon. *I should add that he likes lists and rankings so I should have known we would end up here. He is going to ask me what I think. I don’t know the names of ten basic Pokemon. Crap.He is looking at me now. 

Son: So mom who do you think the most powerful basic Pokemon is?

Me: So you want to know my favorite basic Pokemon? Um, well, uh, I really like (looking around the room and seeing a Pokemon stuffed animal on the ground ) Squirtle. 

Son:Yeah that is a good one. Why did you pick him?

Me: (Looking at the stuffed animal to get clues about what Squirtle does) He has a shell for protection like a turtle and he can squirt water. He has a good offense and defense.

Son:Yeah, I think you are right

If I were a character in Japanese anime right now I would have sweat drops and an exaggerated smile. I know I can’t fake this anymore. That was too close, so since I am ahead right now in the being interested in what my kid is interested in game,I better call it quits. 

Me:This has been a great conversation but I have some stuff I need to finish up here. (even though when you came in I was just flipping through a magazine) Why don’t you watch an episode of Pokemon or look through your book and come up with more battles?

Son: Sure and I can tell you about it later ok?

Me: Yeah that sounds great.

That was close. I wonder how much longer he is going to be interested in Pokemon? Can I keep faking it? Well, I am at least going to count today a parenting victory.

I have this hammer, now what?

This morning I felt like the walls were caving in. I felt all the emotions just flood me all at once. Our washing machine is broken, it has been broken for over a week now, and as a family of 7 this is no small thing. Currently it looks as though our house is sick and throwing up clothes. Everywhere you go, look, or walk- clothes. Some kind of dirty, some just plain filthy, and some kind of damp and ew, and sure maybe putting those in the dryer would be a good idea, because the dryer still works, but they are also dirty so I feel like why? The house has become progressively dirtier in all areas because of this. The laundry hampers filled up days ago so the clothes are living in piles in every single room, and what is the point of straightening up rooms when they will still be dirty because there are dirty nasty clothes all over the place? 

The pieces are easy enough to replace so we ordered them online and didn’t spend the extra $10 dollars or so for fast shipping because we don’t have an extra $10 for fast shipping, and they weren’t Amazon Prime eligible unless I wanted to put that $10 toward the base price, and I didn’t, so I didn’t. Then the pieces came and one piece I put in but the screws are stripped and I couldn’t make them tight enough. Fine, let’s move on to the other piece which would be even easier to replace, but I couldn’t even get the second screw out. I wanted to cry, to sob, to runaway and never come back because of laundry. Not having anymore clean underwear really does get to you. I used a rubber band over the screwdriver, I put a dab of superglue in it, I tried all of our screwdrivers, and in the end I just stripped them more. Seeing the pieces just sitting there and knowing if I could just get those screws out then I could wash clothes was heartbreaking. I could stop tripping on clothes, and I might have a clean dish towel. I got out the drill and nothing. So I grabbed the pliers and bent and broke the piece giving me trouble, the screw was still there but now I could get the pliers wedged underneath and just turn until it came out- and it did. Now, I still need to buy new screws because those aren’t going back in, but I won. In spite of all the hurdles, in spite of the anger, the overwhelming sensation of no control( as mirrored by the state of my house), and in spite of no clear vision on how to proceed, I did it.

My kid pooped in the tub, I spilled a full beer all over the floor when trying to straighten up a little bit, another kid basically told me I was ruining his life because I pointed out that his pants were too small, were actually his little brother’s, and he should put on his own pants, I haven’t had my car for 3 days(my husband has been using it) so I couldn’t get to the store to buy new screws or ask handymen what to do, Google’s ideas failed me, I have had 3+ kids sick at the same time( probably because germ clothes are just everywhere), and I felt like I was drowning.

 I wanted to have control of something-anything.  Now I could just stop. Leave it there. But the last few months I have been struggling, an unsettling feeling swelling inside, a shift in my normal self, and I don’t know what it is exactly or what it means, but I feel it must mean something. I wonder if my outside is currently mirroring my inside. I have a lot happening inside and it is tearing me up and just like with my washing machine, I can’t seem to fix it, find the right parts, I don’t see how it will get fixed, and it seems if I just had the right tool it would be so easy to fix, I just need an adjustment maybe to move an inch higher or something but instead of something that would fix that, I have been given a hammer. That is it, just a hammer, no instructions, no clues, no tips, just a hammer. Now I have been holding this hammer, I have sort of swung it in the air for practice, but it doesn’t feel right, and I just want someone else to come in and make it better, but I suppose I am in need of seeing I can do it on my own, there must be some personal growth lesson hiding in there, and one day I hope to see it, but now I feel so lost and like I know this change is happening or about to, but it hasn’t yet and it just frustrates me, and is not great for my anxiety. Some of it has to do with faith, some a sense of purpose and direction, and some of it is the desire to financially help my family, and at the root of it I am beginning to feel that they are all three connected but I don’t see how, I can’t see it, and I just have this stupid hammer. Anyone who has ever seen me angry knows I shouldn't hold a hammer when I am angry- it wouldn’t turn out well for the walls and dishes.

So in the meantime I will go to Ace and buy some screws, I will put my washing machine back together tonight, I will do the laundry, and maybe during the mind-numbingness that is folding clothes I will have some epiphany. I should probably pull out my rosary too because the last few mornings I keep seeing different statues of Momma Mary while going on walks, and perhaps she is trying to get my attention.